The Comparison Monster

 {Darah above}

{Reese above}

We took the kids to a local dinosaur exhibit.  What a blast!  

These dinosaurs moved and roared and were just so cool!

I had a little meeting at my daughters' school yesterday.  I left like I always do at these meetings.

Thankful for God placing people in my girls' lives who love them and push them to become their best.  And feeling like I am not doing enough for my girls. There is no developmental milestone chart that exists that tells me exactly when my girls should be speaking in clear sentences or tying their shoes, or potty-train.  I feel like we are flying blind with most of their development.   It's the "flying blind" that causes so much anxiety that I may not be doing enough and it's the ugly comparison monster that plants himself in the corner of my mind that makes me feel inadequate.  The same comparison monster exists as I parent my boys, as well, but is uniquely present as I parent my girls.

The comparison monster takes a few forms::

....he compares my girls to neurotypical children

....he compares my girls to other children with similar diagnosis

....he compares my parenting to other parents.

The comparison monster often makes himself present in my life in comparing my girls to neurotypical children at big school functions.  The field trips and the field days and the shoebox fiesta float parades (oh, you're not in South Texas? Then you have no clue what a shoebox fiesta float is and you probably don't know what a homecoming mum is, either.  Those homecoming mums are worth googling...it's a pretty funny tradition, in my opinion.  Ha!). I often leave these events so proud of my girls and how far they've come.  But, truth be told, I sometimes leave these events like a deer in the headlights (sometimes with tears), thinking "typical developing 8 year olds can do this? And that? And this? And that??" 

Another ugly way the comparison monster makes himself present in my life is by comparing the girls to other children with Down syndrome.  And, since they each live with another child with Down syndrome, this can even enter our little home.  Why can she do this while she can't?  My comparison of the girls to one another is usually limited though to "I love this about her" and "I love that about her."  They are both so different and I love love love how uniquely God designed my girls.  However, I sometimes have big moments of sadness when I see another child with Down syndrome doing things my girls aren't doing.  Talking is probably the biggest one for me.  I went back to school to become a Speech Language Pathologist and clear speech is the biggest thing I want for my girls.  Ironically, it is the biggest area of difficulty for both of my girls.  So, when I see another child with Down syndrome speaking, the comparison monster gets a little bigger and greener.

Then the comparison monster attacks in a way he attacks every mother I know.  Comparing myself to other parents, wondering if I'm just not measuring up.  Pregnancy sticks and adoption referrals should come with the following message: *Congratulations, you will now feel inadequate for the next 25 years as you parent this child.

The problem with comparison is it paralyzes me.  It doesn't move me forward.  It doesn't help me become the parent I want to be and it doesn't help my children become the best they can be.  It takes my mind off the big picture and focuses me in on tiny little areas.  Comparison isolates, too.  It makes me reconsider joining situations which may leave me feel like your child or my parenting is not measuring up.  As humans, it's nearly impossible to not fall in this comparison trap.  I often fall in to these traps unexpectedly and am still learning how to climb out of it when it catches me off-guard.

Some ways I'm trying to kick the comparison monster out of my life include::

1.  View myself the way God views me...as His child whom He loves and wants to help become the best me I can be.  He knows every flaw I have and still loves me.  He doesn't sit on a throne with a gavel, condemning me for my failures.  He kneels down to each of us, ready to carry us when needed.

 Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates His own love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

2.  Remember the bigger picture in all of this.  Is life about each little milestone and achievement for our children, or is it about building relationships with them and others?  Is it about having the fastest, strongest, bestest, smartest child or about equipping our children to be their personal best and becoming the most independent they can be?  I feel like I often focus on tiny little battles with the girls, rather than building my relationship with them.  It's important to push our children, especially those with special needs, but I think it's easy to lose perspective of what the bigger picture is.  Am I fighting this battle because I think it helps my child or am I fighting this battle because Johnny can do something my child can't do and that's not fair?  The problem with losing sight of the bigger picture is everything stops becoming about relationship building between you and your child and you and your friends.

Hebrews 10:24-25 "and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more, as you see the day drawing near."

3.  Strive to live a life filled with gratitude. This is so hard for me!  There's always a list of disappointments and struggles.  When one milestone is achieved, one thousand more wait in the shadows that are not yet achieved.  I need to do better at remembering all of the successes and celebrating the smallest of achievements in my children and in my parenting.  Darah can drink out of a straw, which I truly believe is a miracle and I didn't forget to put a change of clothes in their backpack for the third time in a row.  That's worth celebrating!

James 1:17 "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

4. Celebrate the other children.  If I'm viewing other children with comparison glasses on, then I'm inadvertently viewing them as competition.  They're not! They're just other children with their own strengths and weaknesses.  Same thing when I'm comparing my parenting to another parent.  I'm unintentionally viewing them as competition, rather than a friend.

 John 13:34 "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you love one another."

5.  Prepare!  When I go into situations, aware of how I may struggle, I'm usually better equipped to resist the temptation to begin to compare.  The best way I know how to do that is in Ephesians.

Ephesians 6:10-18  "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,  and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

Hopefully, I'll start getting a little better control of this comparison monster who creeps into my life.  And, I'll be a better parent for it!